Wednesday, September 09, 2009

The new patriotism

I don't care about sick people, old people, poor people, unemployed people or homeless people.
(unless the sick, old, poor, unemployed or homeless person is me)

I don't care about black people, brown people, yellow people, blue people or foreign people.
(unless they're mowing my lawn, taking care of my children, fixing my roof, cleaning my toilets, painting my kitchen, shining my shoes or building my house)

I don't care about who is getting killed or maimed in what country for what reason or why.
(unless the person being killed or maimed is American).

I don't care that my fellow citizens believe my American-born, Christian president, who has spent his life using the American political process to advance such worthwhile goals as community empowerment (damn, did I just use that phrase?), universal health care, peaceful conflict resolution and cross-cultural understanding (damn, did it again!), refer to him as a Muslim socialist dictator and secret Nazi.
(unless that president is a Republican)

I don't care if the president encourages our schoolchildren to stay in school and work hard, since all their jobs and education are being taken by illegal immigrants and affirmative action.
(unless that president is a Republican)

I don't care if four times as many Americans will die this year from handgun violence than were killed in the September 11th attacks, as long as I get to strap my gun on my leg and stand outside the building where the president is giving a speech.
(unless the president giving a speech is a Republican; then the person should be branded a terrorist and thrown in jail)

I don't care if my favorite TV commentators spout lie after lie night after night, because even if they're telling lies they're really telling the truth. Free speech is what great patriots have died for.
(unless the people on TV and radio are liberals or disagree with anything I believe, in which case they should not be allowed on TV or radio, much less allowed to talk)

I don't care that my government permitted our military and CIA officials to torture prisoners held in places that I don't even know about for crimes they haven't been accused of committing.
(unless the persons being held in places that I don't know about for crimes they haven't been accused of committing are Americans. Then we should demand their surrender or blow them to Kingdom Come)

I don't care that my government lied to me about why we went to war in Iraq or keeps telling me we're winning when we lost years ago.
(unless . . . unless . . . unless . . . unless . . . hmmm?)

I don't care about the environment, air and water pollution, natural resources or corporate contamination of our food supply.
(unless someone comes for my gun or gets my fishes sick from dumping chemicals in my lake)

Nope, I don't care about any of this stuff at all.

Why?

'cause I'm just a patriotic American!

1 comment:

Enzo said...

A very peculiar form of patriotism, hilarious.